We sold the house a couple of days ago, and dad bought one today. It's been four years since they told me they were splitting up. So not only am I going to live somewhere without dad, and with mum, I am going to live somewhere where I don't like because mother keeps asking me where/what kind of thing i want to live and not listening to my answers, further away from where I want to be because mother still doesn't listen to a word I say, and in a really bloody small house because we have no fucking money.

I cannot express how fucking angry I am. It has fuck all to do with me, does it? It's their fucking business so they can sort it out themselves. That's how it's worked for four years, why the hell should now be any different. But now is the time where I am expected to listen to my dad going on about how he's bought a house, how we have no money, and all the sarky little comments in reference to it that make me want to ram sharp objects into my own eyes. And I really really wish mother would stop asking me things about where I want to live because I will snap. She doesn't give a flying fuck about what I want. She's the one who wants to break up the family, she's the one who pushed the whole damn thing into motion because dad was too lazy to let her do stuff, aparently. Biggest load of bullshit in the world. She still won't do all the stuff she's bitching and moaning about not being able to do because we have no FUCKING MONEY because we have no FUCKING EQUITY on the FUCKING HOUSE because they've been trying to FUCKING SELLING IT for so bloody long.

All it would take would be another god damned year and I'd eb out of this place and in Uni and they'd be able to do whatever the fuck they want without it affecting me in the slightest. It has nothing to do with me so how is it that I have to move house because they want to. I'm fucking 18 years old. They started all this bullshit when I was 14, when I didn't matter. I want out of this place and I have nowhere to go because I don't have a fucking home, let alone a fucking family. I am sick of their selfish bullshit and I want out.

This time, I really don't give a flying fuck if I'm being selfish and not thinking about their feelings. They didn't and still don't think about mine, and as I said, I'm really fucking angry. There is absolutely no fucking way out of it.

You have no idea how much I want to go somewhere else right now, on my own in the dark in the cold (it's 11:30 in the evening) and go and scream for a while, then debate whether to come home. Another thing that appeals to me is going and staying at my friends' house/houses for as long as possible, getting as drunk as possible, being with Richard and not here and still free to show the slightest sign of affection for as long as possible, or otherwise destroying myself to as much of a degree as possible so I don't destroy this entire fucking cage of a situation. But no. Because I'm a girl and therefore rapeable, and because we don't have any fucking money, and because Richard lives miles away, and because I've never been drunk in my life and therefore don't know how to do it properly, and because the friend who is having a party delights in isolating me and making me feel as unwelcome as she possibly can therefore I'm not invited and everyone else is, I can't do a damn thing other than go to bed.

Nobody is here to talk to. Nobody. My ex is across the road and he is the only one I can physically get to or talk to at the moment, and it is making me feel sick. I'd rather there was nobody at all. It's like holding food out in front of a starving child, then pouring poison all over it. They know it's poison, but they are so damned hungry and so damned stuck in their situation that they still wanna eat it.

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